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Dec. 18th, 2005

03:46 pm - i wish i made you happy

a little bit of moonshine to numb things out. worries waste away. pain peels off you like old paint. things are suddenly better and brighter. you find yourself dancing and laughing and making jokes no one else understands, but are still hilarious to you. one might call it false happiness, but what d'you care as long as you're smiling again. genuine smiles too. why can't life be like that? why do we have to feel so deeply? tears in the dark, my body so limp i think i might be dead. emotions are coming harshly back into focus. there's something hollow in me. somethings missing. so i fill up the hole with another drink. my limbs can move again. my mouth can smile and my eyes can focus. much better

Dec. 13th, 2005

06:24 pm - joy

Alegría
Come un lampo di vita
Come un passo gridar
Alegría
Del delittuoso grido
Bella reuggente pena, seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegría
Come un assalto di gioia

Alegría
I see a spark of life shining
Alegría
I hear a young minstrel sing
Alegría
Beautiful roaring scream
of joy and sorrow,
so extreme
There is a love in me raging
Alegría
A joyous, magical feeling

Alegría
Como la luz de la vida
Alegría
Como un payaso que grita
Alegría
Del estupendo grito
De la tristeza loca
Serena,
Como la rabia de amar
Alegría
Como un asalto de felicidad

Current Mood: hopeless
Current Music: cirque du soliel

Dec. 12th, 2005

07:18 pm - accident

something in your peripheral vision catches your eye. you turn and see the car that is about to crash smash into the vehicle you are secured in. nothing slows down. time doesn't stop. but in that split second before impact there's a great calm. an all-encompassing sense of acceptance. not enough time for emotions to even register. not surprise or terror, just acceptance with a lovely hint of adrenaline. there's nothing you can do and suddenly your future is entirely out of your hands. there are no choices to be made or regrets to be had. its an amazing feeling.

a couple nights ago i was in my fourth car accident to date. it was exhilerating. i don't know how else to phrase it. i have a fascination with them. maybe because my stepmother was killed in a car accident. maybe since i was in a bad one as a kid. maybe it doesn't have to do with anything. but either way i love being in car crashes. that sounds so wrong to say, but its true. maybe the thrill. maybe the danger. maybe the sense of calm and the complete acceptance of everything. i can't puzzle it out.

Nov. 30th, 2005

10:50 pm

she's finally selling brody. so many of my memories are locked away in that car. from seeing her online and talking about what we were going to do once brody arrived and how we were going to decorate her inside. then sitting listening to the distillers tape with the doors open. just sitting and singing. driving just because we could. taking pictures. making that movie. i'd buy her if i thought maia would let me, but as things stand... its not worth trying. not that driving and taking care of brody would help me get past this. in anyway.

oh god. this pain wont leave. and the hole wont close up. i'm trying. i am. i cant find closure. i cant except this unfinished end. memories and love are clawing their way through my brain only to feed pounding headaches of unhappiness. i spose its obvious anyway as i am here, updating my livejournal, a rare occurance indeed. something must be wrong.

and it is. oh so very wrong. ive never felt like this before

Nov. 7th, 2005

12:29 am - melt away

thoughts racing
snow angels
nerves wound tight
kisses in the rain
where did you come from?
where am i going?
a fire hazard she says
love is dangerous she says
brakes squealing
chocolate melting in a pan
don't double dip he says
you'll get burned he says
a car accident
hands reaching for help
a cry in the dark
and you're there

Oct. 26th, 2005

09:42 am - mercy, mercy!

well i s'pose it's about that time. time to reboot my life and get my act together. time to go to school and do my work and get shit done so i can get into the college of my choice. time goes by whether i'm doing something with my life or not. so i have to get to it. gotta do something. all i have now is the future. better not fuck it up because of the past.

Oct. 11th, 2005

05:36 pm

trembling, shaking
crying in shame
your form in the dark
guilty and angry
your fingers find mine
and our minds are screaming
protesting what our bodies have done

Sep. 1st, 2005

11:36 am

bright spots dotting the inking
a halo of conifers outlining the view
words whispered in the dark
things that might be better unsaid
black satin folds hiding a secret
how do you stop the tides of the ocean
how do you move forward
when what you knew about yourself lies crumpled at your feet
lie flat on your back and find orion
warm water like your mother's womb
when will everyone's eyes open
if you fuck this one up you don't get another chance
death is final

swirling smoke from
the mouth of a snowman
who can't even breathe

the damp tome sits in the sun
drying off with a towel after taking a
shower of rain pours from the eyes of
clouds drift over the boy and girl making
love as though you've never been hurt
before the day before yesterday you still loved me

if only

Aug. 4th, 2005

12:13 pm

screaming lyrics at the top of
my lungs are restricting from inhaling too much
smoke swirls around us as the house burns to
ashes to ashes and dust to
dust coats the bed where we used to
lie to my parents and lie to my friends but i can't lie to
you hold my hand and gently brush away
my tears leave a dark stain on the satin encasing
my body vibrates to loud music and people
screaming lyrics at the top of my lungs

Jul. 19th, 2005

10:37 pm

a beer was chosen over a fat girl in a dress
she didn't cry and she didn't protest
as time went by she forgave him again
she knew he'd leave but she didn't know when
he put her down, she picked him up
and finally there was nothing left in the cup
her life was half empty instead of half full
when all she had wanted was some kind of thrill
the boy to love and the boy to hate
both boys that she would never date

if only they weren't the same person

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